How You Are Perceived Is Your Reality!
Everyday the people we come in contact with subconsciously perceive us on a multitude of levels. They observe our appearance, posture, speech, manners, eye contact, and so on. They may never even speak to us and yet they perceive us as confident, friendly, interesting or perhaps as insecure, hostile or even boring. You need to realize it is not how we perceive ourselves but rather how others perceive us that forms our reality.
The following interaction actually took place during an evening class I was teaching that involved 12 adults. I asked one man in the group to tell us something about himself. He stated, “I am a very romantic person.” His wife, who happened to be sitting right next to him looked over at him and matter-of-factly stated, “No you’re not!” Unaltered by her response he looked directly at me and confidently stated again, “No really I am a very romantic person.” His wife then looked directly at me and emphatically said, “No, he’s not!”
Due to the wife’s response I asked him, “What is your wife’s middle name?” He looked at me, literally like a deer in the headlights, unable to answer the question which did not surprise me due to his wife’s emphatic response. I then very slowly asked him, “When… is… her… birthday?” He just sat there unresponsive and unable to answer the question. However, in his mind he still considerer himself a very romantic person but which is he?
I told the husband, “The only person who can truly judge whether you are a romantic person or not is sitting right next to you are you listening?” It didn’t matter what he thought about himself in this area of his life; it only mattered how he was perceived by his wife. This husband obviously believed in his mind that he was a very romantic person but he was totally unaware of his reality.
Here is another example. During LISTEN UP sessions I have attendees get up and address those in attendance. After they finish presenting I ask the speaker who was your best listener? Believe me people know if you are listening to them and most of the time the speaker can readily tell me who their best listener was. Sometimes I ask the speaker who was your worst listener? Because it is based on the speaker’s perception they usually can come up with a name for the worst listener.
During one such exercise the speaker said her worst listener was, let’s call him Tom. Well Tom jumps up out of his seat and starts to tell us all how he can tell us everything that the speaker said verbatim. He was passionate about this fact and seemed truly troubled by the fact he was singled out as the worst listener.
My response to Tom was it does not matter if you can tell us everything verbatim it only matters how you were being perceived by the speaker. If this speaker was the president of the company and they perceived you as not listening, you weren’t. They are not going to ask you, “Did you get all that Tom?” Again, if you are perceived as not listening then you aren’t… period. You will then be subjected to any and all penalties that come from that perception such as being perceived as a poor listener, being black listed or being passed over for promotion. If you want to be perceived as a great listener start employing great listening skills.
If you were to attend a LISTEN UP session you would be encouraged to give your 30 second elevator speech. What that means is you have 30 seconds to introduce yourself, tell us what you do and how we can reach you for networking opportunities. The purpose is for you to practice presenting yourself in front of a crowd. The twist to this exercise is that after you are done presenting you are then given honest feedback from those in attendance as to how they perceived you.
For many of you it would be the first time to actually hear how you are being perceived. I ask the audience if they can remember your name, profession or contact information. Would you like to know how many could? I then ask if you made a connection with the group, if you were energetic and sincere? You would also discover the quality of your opening and closing statements. Remember it is not how you perceive yourself but rather how you are perceived that is your reality. You need to hear how others truly perceive you.
The great irony is that most people are willing to share their honest opinion of us with everyone but us, especially if it’s negative. Yet we are the only ones who would positively benefit from that information. Being denied the truth of how others truly perceive us condemns us to remain unchanged forever repeating the same critical mistakes that cost us personal relationships, business opportunities and our own ability to make positive changes.
One of the main reasons I started my business was due to the frustration I felt watching people make “mistakes” that were negatively affecting how they were perceived. I began challenging people in the course of my daily interactions, asking them why they didn’t remember my name when I had just given it to them while stressing the importance of such a skill, gently reminding them to look me in they eye as I shook their hands.
What pleasantly surprised me was the response I received from most people. They “loved it” and began responding to my constructive criticism. They were actually glad that I would tell them how I perceived them because no one else was willing to do so. They understood that I was bringing this to their attention because I cared about them as an individual. Then they would proceed to ask me, “What else can you teach me?”
We all like to think of ourselves as sincere, friendly, energetic and professional however if we aren’t perceived as such were none of the above. We all have the ability to change. What most of us are lacking is the awareness that there needs to be a change. How are you truly being perceived?
Thank you all for listening. Please join our LISTEN UP NETWORKING GROUP were you can comment in any of our discussions or start one of your own.
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